Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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