Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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