I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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