Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
