Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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