You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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