Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
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