She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
