Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
