he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
