He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
