I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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