The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Someone came in the potted fern
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
