i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
