I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize