Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize