I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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