2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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