I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize