Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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