i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
