I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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