Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize