i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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