We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
