My friends, they love my intelligence
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
