I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
