i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I smell like Dick and happiness
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