if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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