i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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