Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
