it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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