I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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