and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
