My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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