Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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