I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
