update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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