today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
