Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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