No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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