did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
