I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
