Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
