i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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