Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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