I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
