I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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