lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
