Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
