Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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