"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
