The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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