1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
