I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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