I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He felt like a one man threesome
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
