She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
