he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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