im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's get the cat blown out
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
