you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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