You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
