he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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