The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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